Jealousy

I never really understood jealousy or it's place in a person's life.  I thought those who were jealous in relationships suffered from many things, insecurity to say the least.  I feel jealousy lately.  Not jealousy over a partner and what he may do.  I feel jealousy of others.  I feel jealousy of their relationships and how the seem to make them work, or fight for them when they want them.

I thought I was a fighter.  The good kind of fighter.  The one who saw what they wanted and stopped at nothing to get it.  These people that I see that stir a sense of jealousy are the people I call my "what ifs."  These are people that at some point showed an interest.  There was some sort of spark, flicker, or shine between us beyond friendship.  I didn't act on it because I was involved already.  It would not have been proper or fair to anyone.  I also did not act on it because I didn't truly know if it is what I wanted, if it was some side effect to the feelings of relationship failures, or if it was because I was changing the viewpoint of what I thought I wanted.

It seemed like not too long ago that I was offended by a friend stating I should be looking for someone to take care of me, someone to be a financial provider or stability in my life.  I was offended because I thought, "The nerve of this person!  I am not some gold digger looking for a sugar daddy!  I am not looking for a daddy for my kids, they have a daddy!  I take care of myself just fine!"  In hindsight, they were right, they just didn't present their opinion very well.  I think now, what that person meant, was I needed someone who wanted to take care of me as much as I took care of them.

I almost had that once.  Voldemort, as he is called, took care of me financially, took care of me in spoken words, and even made some strides in physical effort to take care of me.  I did the same in return.  I worried about his health and encouraged proper treatment and healthy living.  I encouraged his career and attempted to help and ease his stress in that area a much as possible.  I even made strides to make his home more of a "home" rather than "that place he stays when he isn't on the road."  However, the other obstacles with his personality and life choices ultimately killed that relationship.  I find myself missing aspects of the relationship, but not the entire relationship.  He actually took me on trips (even if only 3 hours away).  He loved going on dates.  He was a big talker.  He only did about 40% of his "talk" though.

In these times of jealousy of others, I find myself looking back at past relationships and friendships.  I see the good things and start to miss them.  Then reality sneaks back in, reminds me of the bad things, and I don't miss them anymore.  I am confused.  I feel as if I have no path in regards to love and romance.  I have no clue what I want.  It isn't enough that someone love me because I have learned love just isn't enough.  They have to do certain things for me.  I have to do certain things for them.

I get so upset because I feel it is almost an instinct to jump in and try to help, to "mother" someone when they are sick or don't feel well, to encourage and push them towards their dreams.  Admittedly, I can go to extremes in those areas.  I will repeatedly tell them to make sure to tell me to back off if I become overbearing, nagging, or too relentless.  Then I woke up and realized something: no matter their dreams or goals, I shouldn't be working harder towards them than they are.  I should be the side-kick, not the main protagonist.  It's their dream, not mine.  If they do not want it bad enough, then they aren't the fighter that I need.

I'm jealous of those with dreams.  I really don't have any.  I work (enjoy my work), take care of children, feel a sense of pride in their accomplishments, attend their sporting activities, and just live day to day.  I had dreams for a future once, but those are now gone.  I am not depressed about it.  I simply live each day, take pride in my small accomplishments, and look forward to tomorrow.  Maybe that makes me less desirable to the type of mate I with which I would ultimately envision myself.  Maybe that is the root of my jealousy.  Definitely need to figure that one out because it is too dark an emotion for me.

Reflections

Feeling this overwhelming sense of failure today.  I look around and see the happy, smiling faces of friends with their families.  Husbands and wives who cherish everything about their partner, kids who are strong and loving....I might never have that.  Wait, let me clarify.  I had a husband, the only man I ever truly wanted to marry.  I screwed it up.  He screwed it up.  We forgot how to cherish each other, and hurt one another to the point of no repair.  Luckily, we have been able to fall back upon our friendship roots.  My kids are strong and loving.  They are perfect in my eyes.  I just wish all the pieces fit, you know?

I really often wonder if it truly is all me.  Am I just so demanding and unwavering that I can't be functional in a relationship?  Do I pick the wrong men (as my parents would say)?  Is there someone that I can love and cherish to the point of forgetting my perfectionist (yet lazy) ways?

There are so many things that I want to change about myself and my life.  I sit and think about them when I should be doing something else (like now).  I just haven't reached that point when I feel the guttural drive to make it happen.  Will I ever truly feel that drive?

I'm not jealous of these friends.  I'm not even really envious either.  I am happy for them.  I know they have worked hard, searched for many years to find and achieve their happiness.  I am sure there are fights, sleep-deprived words of anger.  However, I am also sure that there is forgiveness, words of compassion during stressful times, and encouragement to overcome the barriers blocking their goals.

I think it might be time for some at home reflective time.  Time with just me, just my kids, just my dog.  Time to work on myself, my relationship with my kids, and my house in general.

Missing

I miss him.  Not for reasons most might think.  I miss our friendship.  I spent this last weekend with two friends and a brother.  It brought back all the memories of all the times I spent weekends with him, a friend, and his brother.  And there are so many similarities, that I could not stop comparing them in my mind.  I miss being able to be so comfortable, that I did not worry about letting my goofy hang out.  I could say stupid things, I could dance stupid dances, and I could joke and be funny.  Never once did I have to stop to worry about how what I was saying might be taken.  Never once did I have to worry was I paying enough attention to him.  I mean, we met socially, why would he think I would not act socially after that.

I miss the comfort.  I miss the hugs (I still say they could cure cancer).  I miss the person who I could tell anything to and know that it would never leave his mouth.  It has only been recently that anything I have ever said to him is being thrown back in my face, but I feel that is more a result of the romantic relationship rather than the friendship.  During our friendship, he would never have thought to throw something back in my face.  I miss that.  Tons of "I told you so's," but none for anything really serious.  I mean, our biggest fight as friends was over the pronunciation of a word.  Who has fights like that as friends?  Us nerds and dorks, that's who.

I feel as if I am mourning the loss of something, but not the something I should be mourning.  Wow, that really only made sense in my mind.  Ok, let me try it this way.  I mourn the loss of all our great memories, all our great past adventures (both big and small).  I know I should mourn the loss of our union, but that seems like a distant second to everything else I am losing.

I just want my friend back, but I do not know if that will ever happen again.  I think that is what makes me the saddest of all...not knowing if that friendship will ever live again.

Personality

I have been told in the past that I am an intimidating person, that guys are intimidated by me.  I was told this by male and female friends alike.  I have also been told that I have a very dominant personality.  Now, I can believe that.  I have a hard time seeing myself as intimidating.  I just do not see anything about me or the way I live my life as intimidating to others.  But it does bring to light a question:

What do you do if you are a woman with a dominant personality?

Most of society tells us that the man is supposed to be the "Man" of the relationship.  You know, the strong one, both physically and emotionally.  He is supposed to be the killer of bugs, the protector of the family, the pillar of strength when the woman falls apart (as we all seem to do from time to time).  The woman is supposed to be the nurturer, the keeper of the stuff (and that means all stuff, even stuff we never use), and the keeper of the kitchen. 

So what happens when the woman has somehow taken on the "Man's" role?  How do you recover from that?  Should you recover from that?  Just as there are woman who have taken on the Man's role, so there are men who have taken on the Woman's role.  Are we, as women, supposed to settle for one of these "Woman's Role" men when we become the dominant personality?  What if this type of man turns us off, or irritates us beyond belief?  I mean, it is nice to take care of someone and handle things for a little while.  It makes us feel helpful and useful.  But there comes a point when we stop being helpful and start becomming "Mom." Where we no longer help, but we enable them to continue to be less and less dominant.

If we have slipped into the "Man's" role out of necessity, does this mean that we need an even stronger man than before to help us slip back into our role as the Woman?  Will we ever go back to being the Woman?

I guess it boils down to this, if you are a strong woman, to balance things, are you ultimately meant to be with a weak man?  I surely hope this is not the case.  If it is, I know several women who will be doomed to a life of "Single" as their relationship status, including several men as well.

Why should it bother me?

Why should it bother me that you like to take a different route to and from work?  I mean, I have driven you to and from work for a little over 2 months, and you never once mentioned that you like a different route.  You say you like it because there are less cops.  So even after I get a ticket going “my way” you still never let me know about “your way.”  So what, you don’t care if I get a ticket or another ticket, but you care if someone else does?  Or maybe you like that route because you smoke on your way home.  Back roads and back ways means no one can smell it, right?

You blow up my phone at times that you feel I should be off work at night, but you don’t let me know when you get off work.  You know that I have to get up early every single Monday through Friday, yet you are perfectly ok with waiting to call me at midnight.  I should already be in a bed and asleep for at least 2 hours by midnight.  Why is that ok for you to wait and call me then when there is absolutely nothing standing in your way of calling me before then?  I mean, you are really only calling to see how my night was with the boys, tell me about anything interesting or upsetting that happened in your night, and then tell me goodnight?  Why does it not occur to you to have the common courtesy of my sleep schedule and what it should be?  I realize that for many nights, I have trouble getting both boys in a bed at a decent time.  Or even that I have trouble sleeping myself.  That is why I have sleeping pills.  If I can get the boys to bed on time, you know I normally take a sleeping pill because sleep is just that important to me.

I really and truly want you to have fun hanging out with your other friends.  Just as I want you to want me to have fun hanging out with my other friends.  But if I get off work and don’t immediately call you, or if there are long lulls between responses, you immediately start getting suspicious and acting like an ass.  I can’t even give you a quick call to say it was great and I will call you later without you getting suspicious and blowing up my phone with text messages.  It is such a double standard, and I don’t do double standards.

I have never had someone act like this before, and I have no idea how to handle it.  All I can think to do is simply state, "I don’t stand for that type of behavior."  Maybe I need to start spending more time with other friends and less time with just one friend.  My friends kinda miss me, and I know I miss them.

So in getting this out, I am letting go of it.  I am sending it on it's way throughout the universe to where ever it might decide to land, but it no longer lives in my head and at my home.

Loneliness

I never really imagined just how lonely I would be during the separation.  I didn’t realize until after he was gone that I had been lonely long before he left.  I had been lonely because I felt so isolated.  Not isolated from the world, but isolated from him.  I didn’t trust him, but I wouldn’t fully admit that to myself at the time.  Instead, I played along with what I thought marriage was supposed to be and played nice for all the holidays.  Marriage is based on trust, and when that trust was gone, and had been gone for a while, I realized it most likely would never come back.  I couldn’t continue in a marriage with no true trust.

Apparently he didn’t trust me either.  I always thought I was an open book.  I didn’t expect to have privacy, even in the bathroom.  I didn’t resent this, I just accepted this as apart of marriage and family.  However, he apparently thought I told lies all along.  He convinced himself that I was lying too, therefore it was perfectly acceptable for him to lie to me.  He thought I lied about being sick from cigarette smoke.  That really hurt when he let me know that.

I want to be able to hug someone and not feel guilty.  I want to be able to cuddle with someone and not feel like I am cheating.  I want to know what a kiss feels like again.  What it feels like to have someone wrap their arms around me and me feel completely comfortable with that.  It isn’t even really about sex, so much as it is about physical contact.  I mean, there are times I desire sex, but they are few and far between.  I can imagine sex, but I don’t truly desire it.

I had that physical contact for so long.  I had friends who made me feel comfortable.  I still feel comfortable with those same friends in other areas, but not with the physical contact.  I am not sure if it is my moral compass or if it is something else that makes me so physically uncomfortable with another man’s touch.

I love Hal.  I will always love Hal.  I just can’t trust Hal.  I loved Hal for years, even while being with other people.  He was who my forever after was supposed to be.  I don’t see another person filling that job description.  I don’t think I want another person to fill that job description.  But I think I married him simply because I wanted to “finish what I started.”  Because I wanted to marry him before and it didn’t happen, I still wanted to see it through.  It might have been different if I had been the one to call off the wedding.  If I had been the one to end it at that point in time, it might have been easier for me to say no to marrying him this time.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Emotional Roller Coaster:

Not so much a roller coaster, as the highs and lows don’t make me lose my breath or want to scream right away.  It is more of a Ferris wheel.  There are highs and there are lows, but getting to them is a smooth, easy ride.  I will stop along the way and stay stationary in some spots, but I will continue back on the circular path soon enough.  I even get to have a moment to enjoy the view from the high spots. Sometimes someone rocks the seat.  The rocking can scare you and make you gasp, or it can thrill you and make you squeal.

Today started on the upward climb to the top, I was able to take a brief pause while there and smile at things around me.  Then I started my decent.  I have now stalled out on the way down, and have enough time to even my breathing and reflect on things.  I like this time that I have to reflect on things.  I can see things clearly without rushes of emotion clouding my judgment.  I can view the logical and, most likely, correct choices and results.  My problem you ask?  My problem is that even though I can think these things, even though I can analyze these things, I generally don’t follow them.  I mean, I know the right/logical thing to do, but that might not match what I want to do.  I say I am an adult, but at certain times (like this) I act like a 5 year who just wants what she wants.  I know the consequences and sometimes I just don’t care.  Sometimes I care but not enough to make me change my mind.

At those certain times, I do worry about hurting others.  I used to let this worry affect my every action.  This often led to me doing things for others, and then waking up one day and wondering why I wasn’t happy.  Well, I wasn’t happy because I was doing what others wanted or what was best for them rather than doing what I wanted or what was best for me.  Now, I still worry about hurting others, but I tell them up front, “I will most likely hurt you.”  I think that if I tell them up front, they can/will be better prepared for when it happens.  That almost never happens.  I still end up hurting that person, but I justify it to myself to an extent due to my previous disclaimer.

Then there are the days when the emotions are a roller coaster.  You slowly build up to a high, and then in an instance, you are plummeting down and find yourself with the wind knocked out you, somewhat disoriented, and not sure if you really liked what just happened.  But before you know it, you are racing off again, this time doing loopty loops and hanging upside down.  When the ride is finally over, you reach your destination, maybe a little sore, maybe a little hoarse, but definitely changed for riding the roller coaster.  At that time, you become a member of one of two groups; those that love the thrill of the coaster, and those that just assume never do that again.  The ones that love it are your thrill seekers.  They also tend to be your drama llamas.  They have to have things exciting at all times, or they are not happy in their world.  The ones tried the roller coaster but ultimately decided it was not for them are the ones who are cautious.  They make calculated moves about what they will say and what they will do.  They try their best to shy away from drama because they just cannot handle all the ups and downs that come with it.

Now having divided all people into two groups, I will create a third group for myself.  (HA, ya knew it was coming.)  I definitely do not like the roller coaster.  Sometimes, I have no choice, and must ride it anyway.  Sometimes, people pull me onto it kicking and screaming.  Every so often, I just on the stupid thing myself.  My group is classified as the “takes backies.”  I act like a 5 year old, only concerned with what I want and how I can get it.  At that time, what I want is the ride the roller coaster even though I know I will not like it.  However, as soon as I climb that big hill, and drop down quickly thereafter, I suddenly realize that I am not a roller coaster person at all!  I quickly go into overdrive to figure out how I can get off the roller coaster and reverse the drop that just happened.  I somehow manage to find the brakes, and I hit them...hard!  You can imagine the impact this has on the other passengers.  Some are disoriented, some are angry, and some are relieved because they did not want to be on the roller coaster.  Yet again, I am not thinking about what anyone else wants or needs, I am only thinking of myself.  After stopping the coaster, I hop off, find a place to be “incognito” and re-coop my thoughts and feelings.  I emerge with a plan of action and a bit of confidence.