I miss him. Not for reasons most might think. I miss our friendship. I spent this last weekend with two friends and a brother. It brought back all the memories of all the times I spent weekends with him, a friend, and his brother. And there are so many similarities, that I could not stop comparing them in my mind. I miss being able to be so comfortable, that I did not worry about letting my goofy hang out. I could say stupid things, I could dance stupid dances, and I could joke and be funny. Never once did I have to stop to worry about how what I was saying might be taken. Never once did I have to worry was I paying enough attention to him. I mean, we met socially, why would he think I would not act socially after that.
I miss the comfort. I miss the hugs (I still say they could cure cancer). I miss the person who I could tell anything to and know that it would never leave his mouth. It has only been recently that anything I have ever said to him is being thrown back in my face, but I feel that is more a result of the romantic relationship rather than the friendship. During our friendship, he would never have thought to throw something back in my face. I miss that. Tons of "I told you so's," but none for anything really serious. I mean, our biggest fight as friends was over the pronunciation of a word. Who has fights like that as friends? Us nerds and dorks, that's who.
I feel as if I am mourning the loss of something, but not the something I should be mourning. Wow, that really only made sense in my mind. Ok, let me try it this way. I mourn the loss of all our great memories, all our great past adventures (both big and small). I know I should mourn the loss of our union, but that seems like a distant second to everything else I am losing.
I just want my friend back, but I do not know if that will ever happen again. I think that is what makes me the saddest of all...not knowing if that friendship will ever live again.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Personality
I have been told in the past that I am an intimidating person, that guys are intimidated by me. I was told this by male and female friends alike. I have also been told that I have a very dominant personality. Now, I can believe that. I have a hard time seeing myself as intimidating. I just do not see anything about me or the way I live my life as intimidating to others. But it does bring to light a question:
What do you do if you are a woman with a dominant personality?
Most of society tells us that the man is supposed to be the "Man" of the relationship. You know, the strong one, both physically and emotionally. He is supposed to be the killer of bugs, the protector of the family, the pillar of strength when the woman falls apart (as we all seem to do from time to time). The woman is supposed to be the nurturer, the keeper of the stuff (and that means all stuff, even stuff we never use), and the keeper of the kitchen.
So what happens when the woman has somehow taken on the "Man's" role? How do you recover from that? Should you recover from that? Just as there are woman who have taken on the Man's role, so there are men who have taken on the Woman's role. Are we, as women, supposed to settle for one of these "Woman's Role" men when we become the dominant personality? What if this type of man turns us off, or irritates us beyond belief? I mean, it is nice to take care of someone and handle things for a little while. It makes us feel helpful and useful. But there comes a point when we stop being helpful and start becomming "Mom." Where we no longer help, but we enable them to continue to be less and less dominant.
If we have slipped into the "Man's" role out of necessity, does this mean that we need an even stronger man than before to help us slip back into our role as the Woman? Will we ever go back to being the Woman?
I guess it boils down to this, if you are a strong woman, to balance things, are you ultimately meant to be with a weak man? I surely hope this is not the case. If it is, I know several women who will be doomed to a life of "Single" as their relationship status, including several men as well.
What do you do if you are a woman with a dominant personality?
Most of society tells us that the man is supposed to be the "Man" of the relationship. You know, the strong one, both physically and emotionally. He is supposed to be the killer of bugs, the protector of the family, the pillar of strength when the woman falls apart (as we all seem to do from time to time). The woman is supposed to be the nurturer, the keeper of the stuff (and that means all stuff, even stuff we never use), and the keeper of the kitchen.
So what happens when the woman has somehow taken on the "Man's" role? How do you recover from that? Should you recover from that? Just as there are woman who have taken on the Man's role, so there are men who have taken on the Woman's role. Are we, as women, supposed to settle for one of these "Woman's Role" men when we become the dominant personality? What if this type of man turns us off, or irritates us beyond belief? I mean, it is nice to take care of someone and handle things for a little while. It makes us feel helpful and useful. But there comes a point when we stop being helpful and start becomming "Mom." Where we no longer help, but we enable them to continue to be less and less dominant.
If we have slipped into the "Man's" role out of necessity, does this mean that we need an even stronger man than before to help us slip back into our role as the Woman? Will we ever go back to being the Woman?
I guess it boils down to this, if you are a strong woman, to balance things, are you ultimately meant to be with a weak man? I surely hope this is not the case. If it is, I know several women who will be doomed to a life of "Single" as their relationship status, including several men as well.
Why should it bother me?
Why should it bother me that you like to take a different route to and from work? I mean, I have driven you to and from work for a little over 2 months, and you never once mentioned that you like a different route. You say you like it because there are less cops. So even after I get a ticket going “my way” you still never let me know about “your way.” So what, you don’t care if I get a ticket or another ticket, but you care if someone else does? Or maybe you like that route because you smoke on your way home. Back roads and back ways means no one can smell it, right?
You blow up my phone at times that you feel I should be off work at night, but you don’t let me know when you get off work. You know that I have to get up early every single Monday through Friday, yet you are perfectly ok with waiting to call me at midnight. I should already be in a bed and asleep for at least 2 hours by midnight. Why is that ok for you to wait and call me then when there is absolutely nothing standing in your way of calling me before then? I mean, you are really only calling to see how my night was with the boys, tell me about anything interesting or upsetting that happened in your night, and then tell me goodnight? Why does it not occur to you to have the common courtesy of my sleep schedule and what it should be? I realize that for many nights, I have trouble getting both boys in a bed at a decent time. Or even that I have trouble sleeping myself. That is why I have sleeping pills. If I can get the boys to bed on time, you know I normally take a sleeping pill because sleep is just that important to me.
I really and truly want you to have fun hanging out with your other friends. Just as I want you to want me to have fun hanging out with my other friends. But if I get off work and don’t immediately call you, or if there are long lulls between responses, you immediately start getting suspicious and acting like an ass. I can’t even give you a quick call to say it was great and I will call you later without you getting suspicious and blowing up my phone with text messages. It is such a double standard, and I don’t do double standards.
I have never had someone act like this before, and I have no idea how to handle it. All I can think to do is simply state, "I don’t stand for that type of behavior." Maybe I need to start spending more time with other friends and less time with just one friend. My friends kinda miss me, and I know I miss them.
So in getting this out, I am letting go of it. I am sending it on it's way throughout the universe to where ever it might decide to land, but it no longer lives in my head and at my home.
You blow up my phone at times that you feel I should be off work at night, but you don’t let me know when you get off work. You know that I have to get up early every single Monday through Friday, yet you are perfectly ok with waiting to call me at midnight. I should already be in a bed and asleep for at least 2 hours by midnight. Why is that ok for you to wait and call me then when there is absolutely nothing standing in your way of calling me before then? I mean, you are really only calling to see how my night was with the boys, tell me about anything interesting or upsetting that happened in your night, and then tell me goodnight? Why does it not occur to you to have the common courtesy of my sleep schedule and what it should be? I realize that for many nights, I have trouble getting both boys in a bed at a decent time. Or even that I have trouble sleeping myself. That is why I have sleeping pills. If I can get the boys to bed on time, you know I normally take a sleeping pill because sleep is just that important to me.
I really and truly want you to have fun hanging out with your other friends. Just as I want you to want me to have fun hanging out with my other friends. But if I get off work and don’t immediately call you, or if there are long lulls between responses, you immediately start getting suspicious and acting like an ass. I can’t even give you a quick call to say it was great and I will call you later without you getting suspicious and blowing up my phone with text messages. It is such a double standard, and I don’t do double standards.
I have never had someone act like this before, and I have no idea how to handle it. All I can think to do is simply state, "I don’t stand for that type of behavior." Maybe I need to start spending more time with other friends and less time with just one friend. My friends kinda miss me, and I know I miss them.
So in getting this out, I am letting go of it. I am sending it on it's way throughout the universe to where ever it might decide to land, but it no longer lives in my head and at my home.
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