Missing

I miss him.  Not for reasons most might think.  I miss our friendship.  I spent this last weekend with two friends and a brother.  It brought back all the memories of all the times I spent weekends with him, a friend, and his brother.  And there are so many similarities, that I could not stop comparing them in my mind.  I miss being able to be so comfortable, that I did not worry about letting my goofy hang out.  I could say stupid things, I could dance stupid dances, and I could joke and be funny.  Never once did I have to stop to worry about how what I was saying might be taken.  Never once did I have to worry was I paying enough attention to him.  I mean, we met socially, why would he think I would not act socially after that.

I miss the comfort.  I miss the hugs (I still say they could cure cancer).  I miss the person who I could tell anything to and know that it would never leave his mouth.  It has only been recently that anything I have ever said to him is being thrown back in my face, but I feel that is more a result of the romantic relationship rather than the friendship.  During our friendship, he would never have thought to throw something back in my face.  I miss that.  Tons of "I told you so's," but none for anything really serious.  I mean, our biggest fight as friends was over the pronunciation of a word.  Who has fights like that as friends?  Us nerds and dorks, that's who.

I feel as if I am mourning the loss of something, but not the something I should be mourning.  Wow, that really only made sense in my mind.  Ok, let me try it this way.  I mourn the loss of all our great memories, all our great past adventures (both big and small).  I know I should mourn the loss of our union, but that seems like a distant second to everything else I am losing.

I just want my friend back, but I do not know if that will ever happen again.  I think that is what makes me the saddest of all...not knowing if that friendship will ever live again.