I never really imagined just how lonely I would be during the separation. I didn’t realize until after he was gone that I had been lonely long before he left. I had been lonely because I felt so isolated. Not isolated from the world, but isolated from him. I didn’t trust him, but I wouldn’t fully admit that to myself at the time. Instead, I played along with what I thought marriage was supposed to be and played nice for all the holidays. Marriage is based on trust, and when that trust was gone, and had been gone for a while, I realized it most likely would never come back. I couldn’t continue in a marriage with no true trust.
Apparently he didn’t trust me either. I always thought I was an open book. I didn’t expect to have privacy, even in the bathroom. I didn’t resent this, I just accepted this as apart of marriage and family. However, he apparently thought I told lies all along. He convinced himself that I was lying too, therefore it was perfectly acceptable for him to lie to me. He thought I lied about being sick from cigarette smoke. That really hurt when he let me know that.
I want to be able to hug someone and not feel guilty. I want to be able to cuddle with someone and not feel like I am cheating. I want to know what a kiss feels like again. What it feels like to have someone wrap their arms around me and me feel completely comfortable with that. It isn’t even really about sex, so much as it is about physical contact. I mean, there are times I desire sex, but they are few and far between. I can imagine sex, but I don’t truly desire it.
I had that physical contact for so long. I had friends who made me feel comfortable. I still feel comfortable with those same friends in other areas, but not with the physical contact. I am not sure if it is my moral compass or if it is something else that makes me so physically uncomfortable with another man’s touch.
I love Hal. I will always love Hal. I just can’t trust Hal. I loved Hal for years, even while being with other people. He was who my forever after was supposed to be. I don’t see another person filling that job description. I don’t think I want another person to fill that job description. But I think I married him simply because I wanted to “finish what I started.” Because I wanted to marry him before and it didn’t happen, I still wanted to see it through. It might have been different if I had been the one to call off the wedding. If I had been the one to end it at that point in time, it might have been easier for me to say no to marrying him this time.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Emotional Roller Coaster
Emotional Roller Coaster:
Not so much a roller coaster, as the highs and lows don’t make me lose my breath or want to scream right away. It is more of a Ferris wheel. There are highs and there are lows, but getting to them is a smooth, easy ride. I will stop along the way and stay stationary in some spots, but I will continue back on the circular path soon enough. I even get to have a moment to enjoy the view from the high spots. Sometimes someone rocks the seat. The rocking can scare you and make you gasp, or it can thrill you and make you squeal.
Today started on the upward climb to the top, I was able to take a brief pause while there and smile at things around me. Then I started my decent. I have now stalled out on the way down, and have enough time to even my breathing and reflect on things. I like this time that I have to reflect on things. I can see things clearly without rushes of emotion clouding my judgment. I can view the logical and, most likely, correct choices and results. My problem you ask? My problem is that even though I can think these things, even though I can analyze these things, I generally don’t follow them. I mean, I know the right/logical thing to do, but that might not match what I want to do. I say I am an adult, but at certain times (like this) I act like a 5 year who just wants what she wants. I know the consequences and sometimes I just don’t care. Sometimes I care but not enough to make me change my mind.
At those certain times, I do worry about hurting others. I used to let this worry affect my every action. This often led to me doing things for others, and then waking up one day and wondering why I wasn’t happy. Well, I wasn’t happy because I was doing what others wanted or what was best for them rather than doing what I wanted or what was best for me. Now, I still worry about hurting others, but I tell them up front, “I will most likely hurt you.” I think that if I tell them up front, they can/will be better prepared for when it happens. That almost never happens. I still end up hurting that person, but I justify it to myself to an extent due to my previous disclaimer.
Then there are the days when the emotions are a roller coaster. You slowly build up to a high, and then in an instance, you are plummeting down and find yourself with the wind knocked out you, somewhat disoriented, and not sure if you really liked what just happened. But before you know it, you are racing off again, this time doing loopty loops and hanging upside down. When the ride is finally over, you reach your destination, maybe a little sore, maybe a little hoarse, but definitely changed for riding the roller coaster. At that time, you become a member of one of two groups; those that love the thrill of the coaster, and those that just assume never do that again. The ones that love it are your thrill seekers. They also tend to be your drama llamas. They have to have things exciting at all times, or they are not happy in their world. The ones tried the roller coaster but ultimately decided it was not for them are the ones who are cautious. They make calculated moves about what they will say and what they will do. They try their best to shy away from drama because they just cannot handle all the ups and downs that come with it.
Now having divided all people into two groups, I will create a third group for myself. (HA, ya knew it was coming.) I definitely do not like the roller coaster. Sometimes, I have no choice, and must ride it anyway. Sometimes, people pull me onto it kicking and screaming. Every so often, I just on the stupid thing myself. My group is classified as the “takes backies.” I act like a 5 year old, only concerned with what I want and how I can get it. At that time, what I want is the ride the roller coaster even though I know I will not like it. However, as soon as I climb that big hill, and drop down quickly thereafter, I suddenly realize that I am not a roller coaster person at all! I quickly go into overdrive to figure out how I can get off the roller coaster and reverse the drop that just happened. I somehow manage to find the brakes, and I hit them...hard! You can imagine the impact this has on the other passengers. Some are disoriented, some are angry, and some are relieved because they did not want to be on the roller coaster. Yet again, I am not thinking about what anyone else wants or needs, I am only thinking of myself. After stopping the coaster, I hop off, find a place to be “incognito” and re-coop my thoughts and feelings. I emerge with a plan of action and a bit of confidence.
Not so much a roller coaster, as the highs and lows don’t make me lose my breath or want to scream right away. It is more of a Ferris wheel. There are highs and there are lows, but getting to them is a smooth, easy ride. I will stop along the way and stay stationary in some spots, but I will continue back on the circular path soon enough. I even get to have a moment to enjoy the view from the high spots. Sometimes someone rocks the seat. The rocking can scare you and make you gasp, or it can thrill you and make you squeal.
Today started on the upward climb to the top, I was able to take a brief pause while there and smile at things around me. Then I started my decent. I have now stalled out on the way down, and have enough time to even my breathing and reflect on things. I like this time that I have to reflect on things. I can see things clearly without rushes of emotion clouding my judgment. I can view the logical and, most likely, correct choices and results. My problem you ask? My problem is that even though I can think these things, even though I can analyze these things, I generally don’t follow them. I mean, I know the right/logical thing to do, but that might not match what I want to do. I say I am an adult, but at certain times (like this) I act like a 5 year who just wants what she wants. I know the consequences and sometimes I just don’t care. Sometimes I care but not enough to make me change my mind.
At those certain times, I do worry about hurting others. I used to let this worry affect my every action. This often led to me doing things for others, and then waking up one day and wondering why I wasn’t happy. Well, I wasn’t happy because I was doing what others wanted or what was best for them rather than doing what I wanted or what was best for me. Now, I still worry about hurting others, but I tell them up front, “I will most likely hurt you.” I think that if I tell them up front, they can/will be better prepared for when it happens. That almost never happens. I still end up hurting that person, but I justify it to myself to an extent due to my previous disclaimer.
Then there are the days when the emotions are a roller coaster. You slowly build up to a high, and then in an instance, you are plummeting down and find yourself with the wind knocked out you, somewhat disoriented, and not sure if you really liked what just happened. But before you know it, you are racing off again, this time doing loopty loops and hanging upside down. When the ride is finally over, you reach your destination, maybe a little sore, maybe a little hoarse, but definitely changed for riding the roller coaster. At that time, you become a member of one of two groups; those that love the thrill of the coaster, and those that just assume never do that again. The ones that love it are your thrill seekers. They also tend to be your drama llamas. They have to have things exciting at all times, or they are not happy in their world. The ones tried the roller coaster but ultimately decided it was not for them are the ones who are cautious. They make calculated moves about what they will say and what they will do. They try their best to shy away from drama because they just cannot handle all the ups and downs that come with it.
Now having divided all people into two groups, I will create a third group for myself. (HA, ya knew it was coming.) I definitely do not like the roller coaster. Sometimes, I have no choice, and must ride it anyway. Sometimes, people pull me onto it kicking and screaming. Every so often, I just on the stupid thing myself. My group is classified as the “takes backies.” I act like a 5 year old, only concerned with what I want and how I can get it. At that time, what I want is the ride the roller coaster even though I know I will not like it. However, as soon as I climb that big hill, and drop down quickly thereafter, I suddenly realize that I am not a roller coaster person at all! I quickly go into overdrive to figure out how I can get off the roller coaster and reverse the drop that just happened. I somehow manage to find the brakes, and I hit them...hard! You can imagine the impact this has on the other passengers. Some are disoriented, some are angry, and some are relieved because they did not want to be on the roller coaster. Yet again, I am not thinking about what anyone else wants or needs, I am only thinking of myself. After stopping the coaster, I hop off, find a place to be “incognito” and re-coop my thoughts and feelings. I emerge with a plan of action and a bit of confidence.
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