Loneliness

I never really imagined just how lonely I would be during the separation.  I didn’t realize until after he was gone that I had been lonely long before he left.  I had been lonely because I felt so isolated.  Not isolated from the world, but isolated from him.  I didn’t trust him, but I wouldn’t fully admit that to myself at the time.  Instead, I played along with what I thought marriage was supposed to be and played nice for all the holidays.  Marriage is based on trust, and when that trust was gone, and had been gone for a while, I realized it most likely would never come back.  I couldn’t continue in a marriage with no true trust.

Apparently he didn’t trust me either.  I always thought I was an open book.  I didn’t expect to have privacy, even in the bathroom.  I didn’t resent this, I just accepted this as apart of marriage and family.  However, he apparently thought I told lies all along.  He convinced himself that I was lying too, therefore it was perfectly acceptable for him to lie to me.  He thought I lied about being sick from cigarette smoke.  That really hurt when he let me know that.

I want to be able to hug someone and not feel guilty.  I want to be able to cuddle with someone and not feel like I am cheating.  I want to know what a kiss feels like again.  What it feels like to have someone wrap their arms around me and me feel completely comfortable with that.  It isn’t even really about sex, so much as it is about physical contact.  I mean, there are times I desire sex, but they are few and far between.  I can imagine sex, but I don’t truly desire it.

I had that physical contact for so long.  I had friends who made me feel comfortable.  I still feel comfortable with those same friends in other areas, but not with the physical contact.  I am not sure if it is my moral compass or if it is something else that makes me so physically uncomfortable with another man’s touch.

I love Hal.  I will always love Hal.  I just can’t trust Hal.  I loved Hal for years, even while being with other people.  He was who my forever after was supposed to be.  I don’t see another person filling that job description.  I don’t think I want another person to fill that job description.  But I think I married him simply because I wanted to “finish what I started.”  Because I wanted to marry him before and it didn’t happen, I still wanted to see it through.  It might have been different if I had been the one to call off the wedding.  If I had been the one to end it at that point in time, it might have been easier for me to say no to marrying him this time.