Jealousy

I never really understood jealousy or it's place in a person's life.  I thought those who were jealous in relationships suffered from many things, insecurity to say the least.  I feel jealousy lately.  Not jealousy over a partner and what he may do.  I feel jealousy of others.  I feel jealousy of their relationships and how the seem to make them work, or fight for them when they want them.

I thought I was a fighter.  The good kind of fighter.  The one who saw what they wanted and stopped at nothing to get it.  These people that I see that stir a sense of jealousy are the people I call my "what ifs."  These are people that at some point showed an interest.  There was some sort of spark, flicker, or shine between us beyond friendship.  I didn't act on it because I was involved already.  It would not have been proper or fair to anyone.  I also did not act on it because I didn't truly know if it is what I wanted, if it was some side effect to the feelings of relationship failures, or if it was because I was changing the viewpoint of what I thought I wanted.

It seemed like not too long ago that I was offended by a friend stating I should be looking for someone to take care of me, someone to be a financial provider or stability in my life.  I was offended because I thought, "The nerve of this person!  I am not some gold digger looking for a sugar daddy!  I am not looking for a daddy for my kids, they have a daddy!  I take care of myself just fine!"  In hindsight, they were right, they just didn't present their opinion very well.  I think now, what that person meant, was I needed someone who wanted to take care of me as much as I took care of them.

I almost had that once.  Voldemort, as he is called, took care of me financially, took care of me in spoken words, and even made some strides in physical effort to take care of me.  I did the same in return.  I worried about his health and encouraged proper treatment and healthy living.  I encouraged his career and attempted to help and ease his stress in that area a much as possible.  I even made strides to make his home more of a "home" rather than "that place he stays when he isn't on the road."  However, the other obstacles with his personality and life choices ultimately killed that relationship.  I find myself missing aspects of the relationship, but not the entire relationship.  He actually took me on trips (even if only 3 hours away).  He loved going on dates.  He was a big talker.  He only did about 40% of his "talk" though.

In these times of jealousy of others, I find myself looking back at past relationships and friendships.  I see the good things and start to miss them.  Then reality sneaks back in, reminds me of the bad things, and I don't miss them anymore.  I am confused.  I feel as if I have no path in regards to love and romance.  I have no clue what I want.  It isn't enough that someone love me because I have learned love just isn't enough.  They have to do certain things for me.  I have to do certain things for them.

I get so upset because I feel it is almost an instinct to jump in and try to help, to "mother" someone when they are sick or don't feel well, to encourage and push them towards their dreams.  Admittedly, I can go to extremes in those areas.  I will repeatedly tell them to make sure to tell me to back off if I become overbearing, nagging, or too relentless.  Then I woke up and realized something: no matter their dreams or goals, I shouldn't be working harder towards them than they are.  I should be the side-kick, not the main protagonist.  It's their dream, not mine.  If they do not want it bad enough, then they aren't the fighter that I need.

I'm jealous of those with dreams.  I really don't have any.  I work (enjoy my work), take care of children, feel a sense of pride in their accomplishments, attend their sporting activities, and just live day to day.  I had dreams for a future once, but those are now gone.  I am not depressed about it.  I simply live each day, take pride in my small accomplishments, and look forward to tomorrow.  Maybe that makes me less desirable to the type of mate I with which I would ultimately envision myself.  Maybe that is the root of my jealousy.  Definitely need to figure that one out because it is too dark an emotion for me.

Reflections

Feeling this overwhelming sense of failure today.  I look around and see the happy, smiling faces of friends with their families.  Husbands and wives who cherish everything about their partner, kids who are strong and loving....I might never have that.  Wait, let me clarify.  I had a husband, the only man I ever truly wanted to marry.  I screwed it up.  He screwed it up.  We forgot how to cherish each other, and hurt one another to the point of no repair.  Luckily, we have been able to fall back upon our friendship roots.  My kids are strong and loving.  They are perfect in my eyes.  I just wish all the pieces fit, you know?

I really often wonder if it truly is all me.  Am I just so demanding and unwavering that I can't be functional in a relationship?  Do I pick the wrong men (as my parents would say)?  Is there someone that I can love and cherish to the point of forgetting my perfectionist (yet lazy) ways?

There are so many things that I want to change about myself and my life.  I sit and think about them when I should be doing something else (like now).  I just haven't reached that point when I feel the guttural drive to make it happen.  Will I ever truly feel that drive?

I'm not jealous of these friends.  I'm not even really envious either.  I am happy for them.  I know they have worked hard, searched for many years to find and achieve their happiness.  I am sure there are fights, sleep-deprived words of anger.  However, I am also sure that there is forgiveness, words of compassion during stressful times, and encouragement to overcome the barriers blocking their goals.

I think it might be time for some at home reflective time.  Time with just me, just my kids, just my dog.  Time to work on myself, my relationship with my kids, and my house in general.