Reflections

Feeling this overwhelming sense of failure today.  I look around and see the happy, smiling faces of friends with their families.  Husbands and wives who cherish everything about their partner, kids who are strong and loving....I might never have that.  Wait, let me clarify.  I had a husband, the only man I ever truly wanted to marry.  I screwed it up.  He screwed it up.  We forgot how to cherish each other, and hurt one another to the point of no repair.  Luckily, we have been able to fall back upon our friendship roots.  My kids are strong and loving.  They are perfect in my eyes.  I just wish all the pieces fit, you know?

I really often wonder if it truly is all me.  Am I just so demanding and unwavering that I can't be functional in a relationship?  Do I pick the wrong men (as my parents would say)?  Is there someone that I can love and cherish to the point of forgetting my perfectionist (yet lazy) ways?

There are so many things that I want to change about myself and my life.  I sit and think about them when I should be doing something else (like now).  I just haven't reached that point when I feel the guttural drive to make it happen.  Will I ever truly feel that drive?

I'm not jealous of these friends.  I'm not even really envious either.  I am happy for them.  I know they have worked hard, searched for many years to find and achieve their happiness.  I am sure there are fights, sleep-deprived words of anger.  However, I am also sure that there is forgiveness, words of compassion during stressful times, and encouragement to overcome the barriers blocking their goals.

I think it might be time for some at home reflective time.  Time with just me, just my kids, just my dog.  Time to work on myself, my relationship with my kids, and my house in general.